One of the most important shifts in our lives is the phase in which we separate from our parents. This phase usually occurs around the time that we leave home to go to college, pursue a career, or just generally go off in search of our own lives. It takes a while to sink in that we are individuals with the power to make our own decisions, and in order to fully own our power and believe that we are self-sufficient, we must break from the childhood ties that connect us to our parents (and build new bonds with our parents based on a more adult relationship). This may sound like an obscure concept, because once we go away to college, etc., it seems obvious that of course we are separated from our parents. But it’s more complex than that. Separation entails breaking free from the worldviews, fears, and expectations of our parents that don’t fit with our own. It is normal to share many of the same values and beliefs as our parents, but it is also our right and our responsibility to decide which ones we agree with and deem helpful in our lives and which ones hold us back and keep us from being who we are.

Until recently, I was unknowingly bogged down by the fears and worldviews of my dad. My dad is a concrete-thinker, a man of science and facts, who believes in hard work and responsibility. He is also somewhat of a closet creative thinker because although he rarely expresses his artistic eccentric side, I know that deep down he has traces of being a dreamer. From him I learned to stress and worry my way through challenges, believing that if I approached anything with a laid-back attitude, I would fail. I learned that good things are out of my control and that when good things happen, I should be wary. I’m sure if he read this he would disagree and argue that he never believed those things, but after having been his attentive pupil for at least 18 years, it would be incorrect to assume that I read him wrong or made up these beliefs myself.

Growing up, I was fully aware of the importance of hard work but I never had full confidence in my talents because they never seemed good enough to get me by in the world. I didn’t know how to believe in myself and have faith in my abilities. If I wrote an impressive poem or piece of writing, I could never safely feel proud of myself because feeling pride and happiness felt dangerous. In subtle ways my dad always reminded me of the critics and difficulties in the world. For example, when I decided that I wanted to be a photographer his first response was, “that’s a very difficult career to succeed in,” and when I shifted my interests to screenwriting and directing he did research on the success rate of filmmakers and reported to me, “it seems like only a small percentage of filmmakers get their movies made.” My dad loves me so much and has always been dedicated to giving me the best. I know that he just worried about my future and wanted to keep me grounded. But his fears have held me back. I should be able to believe that I can succeed simply because of who I am and what I can do.

The reason that I have been able to recognize that I have been a prisoner of my dad’s fears and beliefs is because a new influence came into my life a year ago: my boyfriend, who is my life partner and the love of my life. Our age difference gives him the advantage of having had more experience out in the world, more time to become confident in his abilities, and more time to realize that he can be very successful. Like me, he is a dreamer and a very creative person, and has helped me realize that I am in fact very strong and capable, and that by simply doing what it is that I want to do, I will succeed.

My confirming moment of separation from my dad occurred when I was home for the winter holidays after graduating from college a semester early. He and I were in my childhood bedroom, and he asked me what my plans were for when I returned to New York. I replied, “I think that finding a worthwhile internship is difficult, and the only reason I would want one is to take notes on how a company functions so that I know how to run my own company in the future.” I explained to him that interning would be frustrating because I wouldn’t be paid even though I am intellectually and creatively equal to the company’s employees.
He was taken aback and asked with slight condescension, “what do you mean, ‘you’re equal?’ You’re not equal to them.” I responded with, “I know that I don’t have any of the experience or credentials that they have, but I am just as capable and creative, if not more so than anyone who works there. I am equal.”
He stated, “No you are not.”
And I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, “YES I am.”
He had no response.

Not everyone needs to have a face-off like this, and everyone has their own timeline for separating from their parents. But regardless of the manifestation, this separation defines us as individuals and empowers us to go forth and make our own dreams happen.