Something I’ve noticed recently is that we are very good at hiding our feelings from ourselves. Whenever we feel intense or troublesome feelings like fear, anxiety, or sadness, our minds often revert to using disguises and barriers against feeling those emotions. These self-defense mechanisms deflect attention from our feelings and turn our focus towards the external environment.

For example, I am three months away from my second big life change. My first big life change was leaving my childhood home to go to college 3,000 miles away. My upcoming life change is that I’m leaving the only city I’ve known as an independent adult to move 3,000 miles again, start a new school, live in a new city, and move in with my boyfriend (something I’ve never done before). I have many reasons to feel afraid and anxious. But instead of dealing with my fear and anxiety, which feels like an immense monster, I have been subconsciously distracting myself from my internal environment by focusing too much attention on the negative aspects of the external environment. Instead of acknowledging my true feelings, I am channeling a lot of energy into hating New York, my current city. I have been focusing too much on how I hate the atmosphere, people, and philosophies of this city when I should be focusing on severing my ties cleanly and making the most out of my last few months here. Hating New York makes the city the culprit, allowing me to overlook the deeper feelings that are bothering me.

The trouble with turning outward instead of inward to deal with our problems is that we put ourselves into a position of powerlessness. If we make the environment the culprit, then we are not in control of escaping our emotional prison because we cannot change the environment. Many people get confused in this process and go so far as to physically escape their environment to make themselves feel better. But once they change locations by moving or going on vacation, they come to the nasty realization that their problems have followed them. No matter where we are, we are still ourselves, and if we run from our feelings, they will never be too far behind us. The encouraging thing about this truth is that there is no such thing as being absolutely trapped in our problems if we are willing to confront them and work through them. However, it sometimes takes a long time for us to realize this and an even longer time to feel ready to heal (depending on how intent we are to hide from our feelings and how long we have repressed them).

Another defense mechanism against troublesome feelings is numbness, or rather, shutting them out completely and claiming that we “feel numb.” Numbness is not a feeling. It is a resistance to feeling, a resistance to acknowledging and recognizing feelings. Anytime we feel numb, it is a sign that the feelings hiding underneath are too overwhelming to confront and that they badly need attention, despite our resistance.

Feelings are not terrifying goblins. That is, until they get repressed and start to feel that way. As kids we were scared that there were monsters hiding in the closet or under the bed, and the only way to feel better was to turn on the lights or wait for morning. When we are afraid of our feelings, we need to stop hiding, turn on the lights, and take a good look at what’s lurking inside. The road to happiness and relief is recognizing the guises that we employ to hide our feelings from ourselves, and shining light on the dark corners of our emotional insides. Once we actually confront our feelings, they become less overwhelming, cryptic, and impenetrable than they felt when we were running or hiding from them.