When in a relationship, we are challenged with the task of maintaining our individuality while also opening up to our partner to establish a strong union. Building a foundation of trust, love, and support takes work, because both people must negotiate the boundaries between independence and togetherness. Figuring out these boundaries is a lot like dancing. Couples have to figure out the appropriate distances between each other through a trial-and-error process of stepping on each other’s feet and getting too far away until they find the correct balance. And the “correct balance” is never 100% static because couples need to be flexible in order to adapt to changing emotional climates, unexpected variations, and big life changes.

It’s challenging to find the emotional balance between space and proximity with our partners because on one hand, we cannot immerse ourselves completely in our partners, but on the other hand, we also cannot remain too far away from our partners. If we try to merge with our partners too much, we lose sight of ourselves—we start to feel uncomfortable being alone and have trouble connecting with our feelings. Alternatively, if we keep up emotional barriers and maintain too much distance, we cannot establish trust with our partners.

One of the trickiest boundaries to navigate in a relationship is where to draw the line between separation and support in the face of a significant other’s problems. Giving emotional support to a significant other is always essential, especially during difficult times. However, it is important to know what kind of support to give, and when to pull back from our partner’s problems. This is a hard thing to understand. When we watch our significant others have problems, (for example: stress at work, conflict with family members or friends, depression, grief, etc.), it is hard not to feel drawn into the drama with a “fix-it” attitude. The “fix-it” attitude is a desire to step into the situation and fix everything, which includes a tendency to eliminate bad feelings for our partners by taking on some of them ourselves. Unfortunately, this does not work because it is impossible to fix our partner’s problems, and by trying, we risk having our partners become emotionally dependent, which upsets the balance of the relationship. When we try to step in and fix everything in a way that is beyond our emotional means, several things can occur:

-We will lose sight of our emotional boundaries because we shoulder burdens and take on feelings that are not ours.

-We may start to see the situation as having an “emotional debt,” which is like keeping score for the things we do for our partner, expecting to be paid back later and harboring resentment in the meantime.

-We may start to act condescending towards our partners. Ex: “God! Why can’t you do this yourself?? You’re not stupid, you know!!” Or, “why can’t you feel better already?”

We need to know when to pull out of our partner’s problems, and an important thing to remember is that if our partners feel abandoned, this does not mean that they have been abandoned. We all need to learn to stand on our own two feet, even in a strong, supportive relationship. And we are still there for our partners to give love and be good listeners as they work through their difficulties. There is a difference between supporting our partners emotionally, and taking on their stressful emotions for them. The solution is to be there for them to give support, but to resist taking direct control of the situation unless there are things we can do that genuinely come from the goodness of our hearts, and are not a cause for resentment and stress.