Remember being a teenager and desperately wanting to date and find that special someone? One of the most universal things about being a teenager is that we all can’t wait to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We spend countless hours discovering ways to flatter our appearances (despite puberty’s deterrents), and scheming about how to land ourselves the holy grail of adolescence: a relationship. We wonder and fantasize about what it will be like to be elevated to the status of someone’s “girlfriend” or “boyfriend,” gossiping with our friends about who is going out with who, who we have a crush on, etc., completely unaware of what it really means to be in a relationship. The irony of our teenage years is that we spend all our energy agonizing and wondering, “who? how? …and when?” as if the end goal is to have our first boyfriend or girlfriend, but once we actually get what we wish for, we lament that relationships are not nearly as simple and carefree as they seem on the outside. Suddenly we find ourselves in a tangle of emotions—not just ours, but our partners’ too. Teenage dating is like putting a pair of baby deer on a trampoline together—before we even have a chance to find our own legs and confidence, we suddenly have another person thrown into the mix, creating a haphazard jumble of confusion.
What we don’t realize as teenagers is that being in a relationship is a process of growth and self-discovery, not just a statement of togetherness for the purpose of becoming a spectacle. What we don’t realize is that being in a relationship is like walking a pathway to a new understanding of ourselves. In the beginning of a relationship we start as separate entities from our partners, but to learn about each other we must take steps towards each other to get closer. The growth of the relationship depends on us taking steps towards our partners and on our partners taking steps towards us. The closer we get with our partners, the more we learn about them, but also the more we learn about ourselves. As we get to know our partners, we open up to them and show them more of who we are. Our partners act like mirrors, reflecting their discoveries back at us. Through the mirror of our partner’s eyes we see ourselves from a different angle and a new perspective. Whether we like or feel comfortable with our partners’ perspectives is key for our continuing in the relationship.
We also learn about ourselves by shedding our layers of defense. To build trust and continue getting close to our partners, we have to shed our layers of protection to allow them to see who we are. Sometimes we are reluctant to shed our layers, and our partners must chip through them, as if digging through rock to find hidden artifacts. Through the discovery of these “artifacts,” or pieces of ourselves, we often find things that are new to us, things that we never saw before or repressed for years. Sometimes these artifacts are beautiful and we are happy to learn about them, but sometimes they are ugly or mangled and we feel repulsed or ashamed by them. This process of self-discovery can be terrifying, and is the main reason many people cut and run at certain points in their relationships. It is also the reason why some people never seek relationships and instead thrive on the mystery and intrigue of short encounters—they are afraid to learn about another person, but more importantly, they are afraid to learn about themselves. The most successful relationships are those in which both people are able to shed their layers of protection and reveal their true selves. When we are unwilling or unable to reveal and learn about who we truly are, having relationships is like climbing a jungle gym in the dark. If we do not know ourselves, it is that much harder to let someone else know who we are and to form a stable connection with another person. We will choose the wrong people as partners over and over until we gradually learn what we really want.
Our teenage agony of waiting and wanting to have our first relationship experiences is really a need for growth, a desire to learn who we truly are (whether we realize this or not). We are compelled to enter the dating scene to keep up with our peers or out of pure curiosity, but what we don’t realize right away is that getting involved with another person begins a journey that takes us away from our understanding of ourselves as we know it, and brings us to new realizations and discoveries about who we are. We soon discover that dating and relationships are far from simple, because one of the most courageous and challenging things we will ever do is become vulnerable to both ourselves and another person, to open up and learn every facet of who we are, and share that knowledge with someone else.
